You may remember a scene from Desperate Housewives - I know what you're thinking, those 'housewives' (not my word, that's the name of the show) may have been desperate, but they sure weren't overweight - but bear with me for a minute. In this scene, another woman, a desperately dumpy one for a change, appears after a hiatus apparently having put on mounds of weight.
"Oh my God, whatever happened to you," shriek her desperately skinny friends.
"Oh, you know, I had two children," she responds. I nod finding that a perfectly acceptable response.
"For what? Breakfast?" retort her skinny friends.
But it's a scientifically proven fact - women put on weight after marriage and kids - I know enough women to form a statistically significant group - and both of them agree with me! Okay, just kidding. But jokes apart, there are scientifically proven reasons why women put on weight after marriage and kids.
For starters, as years go by, there creep into this woman a daughter-in-law, a mother, a sister-in-law, several kinds of aunts, friends-in-law, and so on. Where do you think all these people will fit? Volume and surface area and all of that. Basic mensuration. And no, that's not a typo.
Then, as her family grows and the woman becomes wiser and more experienced, everyone needs a piece of her, to show the kids the food on the first shelf in the fridge in that box marked "Food for Kids", to tell the plumber exactly which flush doesn't work in case he didn't quite get the hint from the flotsam and jetsam, to help the kids with their homework which she pretends to understand, to get the kids out of bed so that they can sleep through history class properly, to remind her husband of the names of his friend's wife and kids (Okay so she doesn't remember either, but who's going to know, certainly not the friend!). And if a whole needs to be cut up into so many pieces, the mass of the whole has to be sizable. See, once again scientifically proven. Basic physics.
A woman with young children is a portable dustbin and a model of economics. That food could feed so many hungry kids! But if none of those hungry kids are around, well she has to do the heroic thing. And
when you eat for two and three, then, well, your body weighs more - basic physics.
A woman has to be like a bank locker - people tend to tell her juicy, meaty things that she isn't supposed to let out. So many secrets about so many people, all in one body. And no one wants a tiny locker to stuff all those secrets in. So her frame expands to accommodate them all. Scientific fact. Basic economics.
A woman needs to be decently large to be taken seriously. No one's going to pay you any attention if you look like an anorexic school girl. You can look much more threatening and menacing when you're larger. It's a basic evolutionary need. Basic biology.
Besides, a womam needs to have a cushioned lap for her toddlers to jump up on if there's no room for a trampoline, her shoulders need to be padded to cushion the many broken hearts she will need to heal, and she will need to have a padded bottom so she can bounce back up every time someone knocks her over. Because she's fat. And well, you can't have a skinny woman with a fleshy lap, shoulders, and bottom. That would just look daft. Basic biology.
So, all you portly women out there. Head for the gym if you must, but do it knowing that you are going against how science intended you to be.
"Oh my God, whatever happened to you," shriek her desperately skinny friends.
"Oh, you know, I had two children," she responds. I nod finding that a perfectly acceptable response.
"For what? Breakfast?" retort her skinny friends.
But it's a scientifically proven fact - women put on weight after marriage and kids - I know enough women to form a statistically significant group - and both of them agree with me! Okay, just kidding. But jokes apart, there are scientifically proven reasons why women put on weight after marriage and kids.
For starters, as years go by, there creep into this woman a daughter-in-law, a mother, a sister-in-law, several kinds of aunts, friends-in-law, and so on. Where do you think all these people will fit? Volume and surface area and all of that. Basic mensuration. And no, that's not a typo.
Then, as her family grows and the woman becomes wiser and more experienced, everyone needs a piece of her, to show the kids the food on the first shelf in the fridge in that box marked "Food for Kids", to tell the plumber exactly which flush doesn't work in case he didn't quite get the hint from the flotsam and jetsam, to help the kids with their homework which she pretends to understand, to get the kids out of bed so that they can sleep through history class properly, to remind her husband of the names of his friend's wife and kids (Okay so she doesn't remember either, but who's going to know, certainly not the friend!). And if a whole needs to be cut up into so many pieces, the mass of the whole has to be sizable. See, once again scientifically proven. Basic physics.
A woman with young children is a portable dustbin and a model of economics. That food could feed so many hungry kids! But if none of those hungry kids are around, well she has to do the heroic thing. And
when you eat for two and three, then, well, your body weighs more - basic physics.
A woman has to be like a bank locker - people tend to tell her juicy, meaty things that she isn't supposed to let out. So many secrets about so many people, all in one body. And no one wants a tiny locker to stuff all those secrets in. So her frame expands to accommodate them all. Scientific fact. Basic economics.
A woman needs to be decently large to be taken seriously. No one's going to pay you any attention if you look like an anorexic school girl. You can look much more threatening and menacing when you're larger. It's a basic evolutionary need. Basic biology.
Besides, a womam needs to have a cushioned lap for her toddlers to jump up on if there's no room for a trampoline, her shoulders need to be padded to cushion the many broken hearts she will need to heal, and she will need to have a padded bottom so she can bounce back up every time someone knocks her over. Because she's fat. And well, you can't have a skinny woman with a fleshy lap, shoulders, and bottom. That would just look daft. Basic biology.
So, all you portly women out there. Head for the gym if you must, but do it knowing that you are going against how science intended you to be.
Just absolutely outstanding!!! Made my day. Now can I gorge compfortably without thinking about my weight!. Sharing it!.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely brilliant! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! As you can imagine I was munching quite happily on something - can't recall what now - while I was writing this! :)
ReplyDelete